Him and Her, and the reason they aren't an US

When it comes to relationships, if you ask any woman if she knows what she wants, as in the type of man that could turn the sexually frustrated tiger within in her into a well tamed and purring kitten, nine times out of ten, her answer will be an infinite YES! Ask that same woman if she knows how to get that man she wants, or how to keep the possibility of such a man interested in her long enough to feel confident that he’s just what she’s been looking for, and her answer will more than likely be, “Of course, I have my ways.” But the truth is, as a woman, I have learned that a woman’s ways have long let us down.

According to John Gray, critically acclaimed author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," improving relationships between a male and a female takes understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. Now I figure this to be a manageable task if one is married and has dedicated his/her life to finding the switches to make the relationship work. But for singles, who often feel they have the goods to quickly attract another and not the time to waste, a misunderstanding in communication styles and the idea that the man/or woman you’re with doesn’t understand or can't satisfy your emotional need, will often sever the relationship before it can get off its feet.

I never figured this more true than last night, after asking an old friend to join me and a few guys to have a good time watching a premiere event. In actuality, asking her to join us was only partly my idea, since one of the guys in the car, to whom I’m going to name Evan (false), requested that I ask one of my friends to be his companion on this eventful journey, given the fact that he figured that I and the driver, to whom I'm going to call Richard (also false), would find some time to hook up. What Evan didn’t know is that Richard and I hadn’t a chance of hooking up, since our differences in communication styles made it impossible for us to understand the other's emotions. For when he pursued me back when, he couldn’t read that I was as equally interested, since I didn't behave like many women he had been involved with before. Then after choosing to move on, my feelings of being rejected closed off my heart to him, leaving only a flirtatious friendship possibility to brew between us. But this Evan wasn't aware of, as I accepted his request to ask a friend of mine to join us.

Evan didn't say it, but I figured that I knew exactly what he was asking. I was convinced that he just didn't want me to ask any friend but one that would be compatible with him. And so, I analyzed him silently for a moment and then dialed up and old friend that I sensed would fit.

I tell yall, I nearly spent two hours regretting the decision, as the two (my old friend and Evan) began to bicker and butt heads during our journey. I couldn’t understand it. I figured that they would hit off, knowing what I knew of them both; analyzing their personalities. It seems that when he said left, she went right. When she looked at him, instead of him noting that he had grabbed her attention, he sensed that she was giving him the evil eye, and maybe she was. But why?

Each time, I tried to explain her defensive moves, she’d laugh and say that I was putting her on the couch, as if I was trying to be her shrink. And maybe I was. I was trying to decipher, what was wrong with her? Why was she acting this way? There was a good man right in her face and she was pushing him away. Why?

Later on, I began to make excuses for her. With her being much like myself, I began to reflect on bad moves I had made in previous relationships that promised to doom me to the single life, if I didn’t correct them. Moves like: building my wall of defenses extra high and challenging the man to find his way pass the bricks and the shooting cannons, as if his persistence proved how much he wanted me, and as if only such proof would grant him a step closer to proving he was worthy of my good love. Not wanting to make a mistake in finding the wrong companion, I figured this process was good measure, and would naturally weed out the punks, ducks, dogs, and scum-bags, so that I can easily spot the one that I could live happily ever after with.

Many men climbed. For a few weeks, they tried. And as time progressed or after they found the wall too intimidation, they disappeared. The more the men gave up, the less I blamed the wall. “The men weren’t ready for a woman like me,” I'd say. “Not one of them was man enough, which is why each of them soon sought out easy pickings in women who didn’t make their love a challenge.” I even thought less of these women who held up no defenses, and labeled their men foolish for standing beside them.

But really I was the foolish one; not so much for making my love a challenge, but rather for making it, in many cases, an impossible feat for any man, who really doesn’t know me well enough to know if I’m worthy of his efforts, to climb. It was only when I saw my old friend mimicking my steps that I became aware of my actions, and resentful of each and every one.

So here we were: two men and two women. Good people. Loving, caring, ambitious, head on straight, attractive when we act right, type people. And yet, we were single even within this group. As our journey ended, I wondered why? The answer I later determined was due the misunderstanding in communication styles and the cluelessness to the emotional needs of the other.

Perhaps, this too may change. Who knows, the walls may be falling as I type.